Jokes for Purim

Here are some jokes for Purim, to take our minds off the serious stuff. I am terrible at remembering and telling jokes. But, I am going to tell my best three jokes (all I can remember):

Best joke no. 3: An Israeli, an American and an Arab were flying to the same conference when their plane was hijacked and diverted to Lebanon. They were held hostage, until one day the chief terrorist comes to them and says " I am sorry to have to tell you this, but we have decided to execute you all. However, before we execute you, we will grant each of you a last wish." The Arab responds, "Before I die I want to give a lecture, broadcast to the whole world, of why Israel should be destroyed." The American says, "I believe in peace and I would like to give a lecture on how the Israelis should make concessions to the Palestinians to bring about peace." The Israeli says, "I want to be executed first."

Best joke no. 2: (I've forgotten it! Oh, now I remember) An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Jew...no that's not it! An Israeli, an American and a Russian are standing on a corner and a reporter comes up and asks them, "Excuse me, what do you think about the meat shortage?" The Russian replies, "what's meat?" the American replies "what's a shortage?" and the Israeli replies "what's excuse me?" OK, that's not so good, what about this one: an old Jewish man tells his wife he wants to convert to Christianity. She protests, but he insists and goes thru the process. Then the next morning he comes down to breakfast wearing his tallit and tefillin. She says "But, Moshe what are you doing, you became a Christian," and he says "Oy, goyishe kop!" Here's a non-Jewish best joke: A Japanese man working in London takes his check paid in Yen to the bank each week and converts it to pounds. But, each week the amount he receives is less, so he complains "why is amount less each week?" and the clerk replies "fluctuations." So he says "fluct you white people too!"

And now my best joke of all time: In the Soviet Union in the 1920s, times are very hard, there is not enough food and people are starving. A notice appears around Moscow saying "Bread will be distributed in Red Square on Dec 1 at noon." People start assembling there several days before, and they stand in the freezing cold overnight as the snow continues to fall. On Dec 1, a black limousine finally arrives in the square at night and a Commissar dressed in a long black leather coat gets out and stands on the dashboard and addresses the crowd, "Comrades, there will be bread. But, there will be no bread for the Jews, all the Jews can leave!" A group of people separate themselves from the crowd and trudge out of the square, while the others wait. The Commissar gets back into the limousine and drives away. The rest of the crowd waits overnight while the snow continues to fall. The next day, the limousine returns and the Commissar gets out and addresses the crowd. "Comrades, there will be bread, but there will be no bread for those who joined the Communist party after 1920, all those opportunists can leave!" Another group trudges from the square, but the rest remain as the limousine drives away. The following night the same thing happens, the limo drives up and the Commissar gets out and addresses the crowd, "Comrades, since you are all loyal members of the Party I can tell you the truth, there will be no bread," and he gets back into the limo and drives away. As they are trudging from the square in the thick snow, one loyal member of the Party turns to another and says "Tell me Comrade, why do the Jews always get preferential treatment?"